The Perfect Gift - Holiday Movie Musings

I just want to go on record that I do not outright reject religious-based holiday movies, so long as they aren’t so bluntly and needlessly ramming it down your throat from the jump. The Perfect Gift from 2009...well let’s just say five minutes in, and we have a secretary complaining about calling decorations “Winter Gala”, because she never baked “winter cookies”, or hung “winter stockings”, or decorated a “winter tree”. We are already teetering close tot he edge of a Starbucks cup manufactured crisis in that first five minutes. I think I need to liveblog this one for a little bit.

By 10 minutes, we’ve been introduced to the local priest (innocuous enough) who meets a Jesus-type character (“I used to do woodworking with me dad!”); and the family flipping channels stops briefly on a news anchor reporting on an “activist”, and director of the not-at-all-subtly named “American Civil Freedom Coalition, who begins to talk about how he’s going to do everything in his power to separate church and state before they flip channels mid-sentence on him.

The daughter is incredibly entitled and spoiled, such that you imagine she was raised in incredible wealth and privilege, but then we see their home life, and it is some dingy spare apartment, and the only food mom keeps around is crackers and salad dressing? Like...how did this girl get so spoiled, precisely?

12 minutes and Jesus is back! I like him.

Cut to spoiled girl in class in private school now. Wait...writing a short essay about “What is Christmas?” is their final big project of the semester? And a girl who has dropped two full letter grades could pull her grade up with this ONE 500 word essay?? What is all that private school money paying for anyway?!

Jesus is back! He doesn’t like the word money, and he’ super cagey about where he’s from, where he lives, and how long he’ll be here. Oh wait...I guess he says we can just call him “Jess”.

Reverend Black runs the church. Can you get more obvious that this pastor isn’t a good guy in this story?

Grandma’s on the phone. She doesn’t understand that “Winter Gala” means “Christmas Gala”. Still riding that red cup crisis...

Hey little girl, why don’t I leave you to keep Jess the transient man company while I run an errand? Great idea, Pastor Good Guy! Also, little girl is overacting the HELL out of this angry, spoiled girl thing. She just barks at everyone, all day, for no reason. Also, for a supposedly skilled woodworker, Jesus—I mean JESS—seems to just randomly mark a lot of wood with that triangle thingy. Over and over. Without really measuring. Huh...

Friend tells little girl Max they made her turn her shirt inside out because it said something inappropriate. Max “What did it say?” Friend: “Merry Christmas.” *eyes roll all the way back in my head*

Does Mom know that little girl is hanging out in the church with rando homeless man? Don’t worry, nothing bad ever happens in a church, amirite? Seems Pastor Black is the only one who thinks this is a terrible idea. Wait, am I agreeing with the “bad guy”?

Okay, finally understand why girl is a little bitch. And seconds later, random mugging attempt on Jess while he’s walking Max home. We learn mugger has a sick daughter...and miracle then and there as Jess says go home, your daughter is well, and takes the gun. Max and Jess just walk on like nothing happened.

Now Max is confused that everything Jesus—I MEAN JESS—has told her about Christmas doesn’t include Santa or Black Friday. Like...really? This little white girl in private American schools all her life never heard of a mangers or wise men?

I don’t know if you’re still here, dear reader. I would say I’ll wrap it up soon, but we’re only 1/3 of the way through this thing and ugh...

The little girls has now written in her essay about the cutting down of the tree and putting it up again is a symbol of the Resurrection. That’s a new one on me. She follows it up with some bunko tale about candy canes being Christian symbolism for shepherds and the red and white is the blood and purity of Christ. Um...okay. Or they historically were made as just candy at a World’s Fair? Jesus—I MEAN JESS—is passing folktales off as fact. Par for the course...Jess...

Okay I’m back and now the little girl has claimed a friend got in trouble for wearing a scarf that says, “The reason for the season.” And mom and daughter are commiserating that Winter Gala sounds “made up”. My eyes are about to roll back out the back of my skull.

Good god, now mom is at the company meeting suggesting they remove all alcohol so it can be a “family event”, and invite homeless people to the party. She is wearing a red jacket, and is the only woman at the whole table, the men who are all wearing black and grey. And then she rails at everyone at the table that they need to change the party back to Christmas, otherwise “if we’re celebrating winter, then let’s show up with our parkas and snow tires!” It works. Susie’s a hero. Damn this is a bad movie. Like, if mom is this fired up about Jesus’ birthday, how did her child not know about ANYTHING to do with the Christian Biblical tales?

We’re only 2/3 of the way through now kids. And OMG did the “activist from the ACLU, I mean “ACFC” just show up to tell the church they have to take their Nativity down? And apparently any “religious display in full view of a thoroughfare” is against the LAW! Holy hell, it just keeps getting worse.

News reports on “Culture vs. Christmas”, as if these are mutually exclusive concepts.

Town meeting, and Pastor Black now hates Jesus/Jess and is pretty much siding against his own church. 

Meanwhile, Jesus/Jess is speaking up! And surprisingly, he’s telling the activist he’s doing good stuff! But it feels like a trap... It’s a beautiful speech, and it is also kind of a trap.

ACFC dude is a dick, and makes some comment about their beliefs not being stronger than the $5000 fine for keeping the Nativity up. Suddenly—and predictably—everyone reaches into their pocketbook... TAKE THAT EVIL ACTIVIST! Wait, I thought Jess/Jesus hate money... Aw, Reverend Black coughed up some cash, AND smiled a little. SECOND miracle of the movie.

“Civil liberty organization” removed their complaint, as reported by reporter-lady. I thought it was “Civil FREEDOM”, Karen.

I’ll come back later and amend it if my opinion changes, but for now I gotta say...

Spoilers: the perfect gift is the 5th Element. Go watch that.

Oh it did not change. Do not recommend.

Amazon Prime Video