This is a very difficult reality I live with now. And as my doctors have all alluded, it may be my reality forever. For instance, I learned recently that the first drug they put me on (and kept me on for a year, despite it being terrible for me) can cause permanently lowered cognitive ability. So we don't know if my struggle to read and comprehend things the way I used to is still the migraines doing that, or the drug. Still, the migraines are still every day, so it's impossible to extract one from the other.
And yes, sometimes physical and/or social activity makes me feel BETTER. And sometimes, like this week, it knocked me out two days in a row. I never know which it will be. So it is frustrating to try and plan. I feel like a constant flake. I feel like it's really hard to be my friend right now, because you can't rely on me. My energetic personality and my consistency has been a cornerstone of my self-worth. And for years I have watched it disappear in the rearview mirror.
Thinking back on the me that used to work two to three jobs and still dance and teach at night, direct multiple troupes, perform multiple times in a weekend while teaching and taking workshops, hosting afterparties on top of it all... I'm not talking about when I was 20-something. Much of this was me into my 40's, until my migraines. And now to barely be able to plan one relatively low-key thing without being sure if I will have to sleep it off the next day?
I don't feel like ME.
